And here comes 2008!

Our family had a fabulous Christmas. The girls were blessed with many gifts and lots of time spent with friends and family. I of course think that Toys R Us threw up all over my house, but luckily we've been able to find some new homes for our old toys, and even put away some of the new toys for rainy days. We had a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner here at our home then went to Church with the girls. Christmas morning was spent watching the girls happily unwrap presents and then we headed over to my inlaws for more presents. After that was done the girls were getting a bit tired, so we went home and they took their naps. Paul and I spent their nap time putting together toys, cleaning up some old toys and mostly just finding the space for all their new gifts.
My parents arrived on Friday and I spent most of Saturday preparing for Paul's graduation party. We had his party yesterday and it went really well. We had tons of food and drinks left over, but I'd rather have too much than not enough, and was even able to send food home with friends, so that was great. The girls got to play with their friend's at the party, and Paul and I got to see some friends we hadn't seen in a while. All in all I think it was a wonderful time.
Today is my father's birthday, in addition to being New Year's Eve. The girls and I went out this morning to pick up breakfast for him and we had a nice breakfast together. I've been trying to get the house cleaned up a bit today as well. Tonight we will be going out for Sushi with my mother in law. Paul is working tonight from 4pm-12am and tomorrow from 8am-4pm, so he'll be spending the night at a friend's house instead of making the hour drive back home, and therefore missing out on some much needed sleep.
Wednesday is my next midwife appointment, and I'm really surprised how fast this pregnancy is going. I'm almost 27 weeks I think, which puts me at the beginning of my third trimester. I haven't done a darn thing to get ready for this baby. My goal however is to get the bedrooms painted in the next couple of weeks, then move the girls into the same bedroom in the beginning of February. Getting Julia and Lily comfortable sleeping in the same room is currently my priority, and I feel like once they are ok with that, I can start getting the nursery ready.

I'm going to attempt to post some pictures from our holiday celebrations... however I always have trouble with this part, so we'll see how it goes.

so i've been ordered

I've been ordered to update my blog... apparently there is a rule I need to write once a week. Paul graduated from the police academy this past weekend! I'm so proud of him. We had such a fun weekend with family and friends.
Christmas is one week away and I'm not feeling that stressed about it. I'm happy Paul has off the 4 days before, that way if anything needs to be done, it can be done then and I'll have help. I'm more stressed out about the Graduation Party I'm throwing him the week after Christmas. Luckily my parents will be visiting, so we'll have some extra help.
Lily is getting more and more excited for Christmas, nearly every day she asks me if its Christmas yet, and every time we drive by a house with Christmas lights and decorations, she yells out "Mommy, look, they are having Christmas at their house!". Its just too cute, and I love hearing the excitement and wonder in her voice. Julia doesn't really have any concept of Christmas yet, but she sure loves the tree and all the fun ornaments to play with. I put all the safe ornaments on the bottom and let her touch them and play with them. She loves putting them on and off the tree.

Ok hopefully this blog post fulfilled my requirement for the week... next time I blog will probably be after Christmas, if thats ok with you Melissa.

There's snow, Christmas must be coming!

"Look Mommy, its snowing!!! Christmas must be coming!" So says Lily. Christmas and all the joy and wonder and stress that comes with it, certainly is coming. This weekend I have dedicated to baking and decorating. Maybe even some wrapping if I feel especially motivated. I've been a baking fool the last couple of days and have gotten a good dent in the baking I want to do. Tomorrow, Lily and I will be baking chocolate chip cookies (with red and green chocolate chips that she picked out), pizzelles, and starting our sugar cookies. I'm hoping to also get the tree and the lights up, and do some decorating. We won't be decorating the tree or the sugar cookies till Sunday, when Lily and Julia's aunt is coming over. All in all, it should be a festive weekend.

Next weekend will be quite busy as well. Paul graduates from the police academy on Friday! Can you believe it? I can't! Well I can, because he's worked so hard the past 4 months, and has really kicked butt in the academy. We'll have his graduation ceremony on Friday, a Christmas Party for the girls on Saturday, then a graduation party for his class. So it looks like it should be a fun filled weekend.

We recently found out that Paul will have the entire weekend before Christmas, as well as Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off of work, so I'm thrilled we will have this holiday to spend as a family. Of course he won't have these days off again for the next 7 years, so we are definitely going to take advantage of it and make the most of it.

On a side note, can you believe it, I'm already 23 weeks pregnant!?!? I haven't done a darn thing to prepare for this baby... but I figure we can worry about all that stuff after the holidays.

I suck at blogging apparently

I really stink at blogging lately.... maybe its the lack of time to myself. Probably. But I'm certainly not complaining. I blogged more when I was working, because I was bored at work. And I'm certainly NOT bored at home, not even for a minute. The girls keep me going from the time they wake up until the time they go to bed, and its fun (for the most part).
Can you believe I'm half way done with this pregnancy already? I can't! I'm already 20 weeks, and its gone by so quickly. Baby is moving around a lot and my belly is looking pretty large. As for weight gain, it hasn't been a lot at all, but I'm feeling huge and large.
Our Halloween was nice, Lily dressed up as a bumble bee, and Julia was a ladybug. My little bugs. I call them "bug" or "buggie" all the time, so I think the costumes were appropriate. I always have a really hard time getting pictures uploaded on my blog, but I'm guessing more people have seen the pictures already, and if you haven't, email me.
Thanksgiving is next week, and the girls and I are planning a week up in Rochester to visit my family. I'm thinking we'll leave on Tuesday, and come back on Sunday. It really depends on Miss Julia and her sleeping routine. We've all been pretty sick the past couple of weeks, the nasty cold virus really took its time going through each one of us. Julia seemed to be affected most, at least when it came to bedtime. I had her all weaned off the bottle, but then gave it back to her when she got sick, because I was desperate for sleep. She'd last a couple hours in her crib, then it was into our bed for the remainder of the night, and she'd toss and turn. Ugh, I was so tired. Luckily the past two nights she has slept better, been up once but quickly went back to sleep in her crib, so I'm happy. I'm just hoping she gets back into her nice sleeping routine before we head to my parents, or its going to be a long week!
Lily is doing pretty well, actually right this moment she is in time out, but other than that, she's been doing well. She absolutely loves school, her teachers and all the children in her class. I'm so glad she took to preschool so well I had a parent-teacher conference last week and her teachers talked about how soft spoken she is, how empathetic and gentle she is... I'm sitting there thinking to myself, who's child is this? Because this certainly isn't mine. Lily is the farthest from gentle and soft spoken when she is home. At least she's doing well there!
Paul has 4 weeks left at the academy. I really can't believe how well its going. He is doing so wonderfully with everything. I'm counting down to his graduation on December 14th. I'm so proud of him!

15 weeks down

The girls and I spent last weekend in Rochester visiting our family. Lily and Julia seemed to really enjoy themselves and slept great at my parents (which always makes me happy!). My parents seemed really really tired by the end of the weekend, I guess my kids wear them out. haha. We went to the Children's Museum which was lots of fun. We also hit up Ontario park, by the beach to ride on the Merry Go Round. Lily loves Merry Go Rounds! The drive up there went suprisingly well. I always get nervous driving 4-5 hours on the thruway with the girls by myself. But I really have to say that this trip was one of our better ones.

Lily had a tough time returning to school on Wednesday. She has never cried before about going to school, so imagine my surprise when she was pretty hysterical at school and clung to me pretty badly. I stayed with her for a few minutes until she got settled and when I picked her up, her teachers said she had done fine and didn't cry at all during the morning. What a relief. I'd hate to think that if she did cry that they didn't call me.

I had my second midwife appointment on Tuesday. Paul actually got out of work a bit early and was able to come. I was pretty happy he got to be there. My midwives are so nice and down to earth they really make me feel comfortable. I gained about 2lbs since my last appointment, the baby is measuring perfectly and "it" has a nice strong heartbeat of 160. Just like the girls, which leads me to think its another girl, LOL. I've pretty much decided that we are definitely NOT finding out the gender until the birth. Paul on the other hand still thinks differently, but what he forgets is that he won't even be at my ultrasound because he'll be working... and to be quite honest, at this point I don't even think I want an ultrasound.

Sorry its been so long

I feel like I haven't updated in a while. Sorry, such is the life with two little ones to run after, I suppose. I'm now officially in the 2nd trimester. And I've been in maternity clothes for about 2 weeks now. I have my second midwife appointment next Tuesday. Paul and I have decided (well I decided for Paul) to let the gender be a surprise. I figure, with it being my last baby (most likely), I want to experience having one surprise. So I guess we are going with yellow and green for everything as of now. haha

Lily is doing great in preschool, she really loves it. She does come exhausted from school but luckily is taking a good nap when she gets home. Julia is also doing pretty well. She has her "diva" moments, and the days when I can't put her down, but overall, she enjoys life. In three days she mastered how to get out of her highchair (while strapped in), how to climb up on the coffee table, and how to pull out a kitchen chair, climb up on it to get onto the kitchen table. I can't leave her alone for a second, and she wears me out!

Paul is on week 10 at the police academy... half way done. He's been doing really well but has been suffering a lot of back pain from the PT and DT they do. I hope it passes for him soon. He isn't too much help with the girls when he's in pain the whole time he's home.

Midwife appt yesterday

Yesterday I had my first official appointment with my midwives. Paul, the girls and I had gone about a month ago to meet them and discuss our wishes for a homebirth. So today was my first appointment. The last time we went, one of my midwives had a special cookie with pink frosting that she gave to the girls... and this time she didn't realize I wasn't bringing the girls so she brought them another cookie. I thought it was so thoughtful and nice of her. We decided to split it instead, haha.

I did the normal pee thing, weight and blood pressure thing, they checked my fundal height, measuring 11 weeks. We did hear the heartbeat, for a brief second... the baby was hiding behind the placenta, so we mainly listened to the placenta beating away. Everything looked and sounded good.

The whole appointment took about an hour or so, spent time gabbing and stuff, I really like my midwives, they are so kind and friendly and really made me feel comfortable. I felt like I was talking to old friends.

And yes... we are having a homebirth. I'm excited and looking forward to it!

My big girl!

Lily started PRESCHOOL yesterday!! She did AWESOME! I am so proud of my big girl. She woke up right at 6am yelling, "I'm going to school NOW"... I asked if I could take a shower first and she told me I couldn't that we had to leave immediately. Somehow I did manage to get showered, dressed, get both the girls dressed and out the door and on time for school. YAY me. I've decided my mom didn't enroll me into preschool because she simply didn't want to get two young children out the door in the morning. My mom says I'm probably right. haha. Lily beelined it right into her classroom because they had a Mr. Potato head, and play-dough... and apparently you can win your way into my 3 year old's heart by providing those two items. I didn't even get a hug or a kiss goodbye. At least Julia still loves me. When I picked Lily up, her teachers said she did great. She was happy to see me, and I took the girls out to lunch to celebrate a great first day.

Here are some photos:



I'm having some trouble getting the photos to upload, so I'll try back later to add more.

Nows a good time as any

I guess I'll "officially" announce the news... Paul and I are expecting #3 to make an appearance around April 4, 2008 (also my mom's birthday). Our family's know, some friends know, so I figure why not tell the internet. haha. I won't say this was "planned", but it certainly wasn't prevented either. We are excited about having another "boss". I wasn't sure how Paul would take the news of another pregnancy, but he took it really well, actually better than I did! I think the fact that I'm home with the kids kinda mellows us all out, and we figure one more screaming mouth to feed isn't so bad. haha.

Being home has had its ups and downs the past few weeks. Jules cutting her 4 molars in the course of two weeks, Jules getting Roseola, I came down with strep and double ear infections, not to mention the ever present morning sickness.... needless to say its been rough. But I think we have all recovered for the most part (well except for the constant nausea and yucky feeling I have, but thats a given for the next 3 1/2 weeks). I'm 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant, so that means at 12 weeks this yucky feeling has to go away. So September 18.... see ya later morning sickness!! Yeah right, knowing my luck it will stay around to piss me off.

Paul is kicking butt at the academy. I'm really proud of all the work he's done there. He makes me so proud. It is great sitting down to dinner every night together as a family, and putting the kids to bed together... and not to mention the weekends, we get uninterrupted time as a family... we haven't had anything like this EVER. Ever since we moved in together back in 2003, he has worked evenings and weekends and I have worked days. So sitting down to dinner together has never really happened regularly... now if only I wasn't running out of dinner ideas! I will say that it has been a month, and I haven't repeated a meal yet.

We celebrated my birthday yesterday. Very low key and quiet... it was wonderful, really. It was the first birthday that I didn't have an actual present to open (which was fine with me and my choice), but I had a whole day of hanging out with my girls and my husband. We ate together, we shopped together, we went out for icecream... it was fabulous. I didn't have to change one diaper or wash one dish. Truly wonderful! haha.

my new career

I have to say my new career as a Stay At Home Mom has been going surprisingly well. The girls and I have been keeping busy with errands, playdates, park-dates, therapy appointments and other outings. I do have to admit, I thought my house would be cleaner, but apparently playing with the girls is taking up too much of my time. Actually thats a lie, I have been cleaning and decluttering... I actually tackled some closets this week and feel pretty good. I have even managed to have a nice home cooked dinner on the table when Paul comes home... sometimes.

The girls have been doing well. Every morning Lily wakes up and asks me "Where are we going today?" I guess she likes to be busy. Julia on the other hand... she has been a little monster cutting her molars. She's up every night screaming hysterically, and up for the day around 5am. Although today, she woke up at 4 screaming so I gave her a bottle and she slept till 730. Of course I couldn't fall asleep after 4, then Paul was up at 5, Lily was up crying at 530, so I just got up for the day.

One exciting week!

I said farewell to my job and career on Friday... but not before I was offered an amazing opportunity to run my program and be the supervisor. Over 13,000 more a year. Shocking really. I was seriously considering it for a few days, but due to recent events... I think I will be turning it down. For those that have talked to me this weekend, you know of the "recent events" I speak of. Lets just say surprises rock!

So I begin my new "career" as a Stay at Home Mom. Its actually quite terrifying to know that I'm unemployed, but in a larger sense, I have the most important job, not to mention the most fun, stressful and exhausting job. LOL

Paul starts the academy tomorrow. I'm so excited for him and our family. I know its going to be a grueling 4 1/2 months, but in the end it will be totally worth it and so wonderful for our family. Such big changes are coming, but if I know anything at all, I know that Paul and I will be great, our kids will be great, and our family will thrive.

4 days and counting

I'm officially unemployed as of July 27th. Let me state for the record, this is my choice. Paul has been accepted into the police academy and begins on July 30th. I put in my resignation last week. I can't believe I'm going from career orientated mommy to a stay at home mom. I guess I better break out the PJs and get a box of bon-bons. Just Kidding! I'm excited for this new chapter of our lives that is about to begin. I'm also scared out of my friggen mind. We are taking such a pay cut with me not working, it terrifies me. But in the end, if I was working and paying for daycare, I'd be bringing home like $500 a month, and in my opinion that is sooooo not nearly worth it. I couldn't even put the girls in a daycare center, I'd have to hire someone to come to the house and someone who can drive the girls around, Lily has therapy appointments, and preschool this fall.... finding someone like that would cost me nearly $500 a week..... SO NOT WORTH IT.

Not to mention, I want to raise my kids....


Paul and I have been extremely fortunate the past 3 years to be able to split our shifts so the girls haven't been in daycare, I'm not about to change that now. Sure money will be tight, but we will make it work, we always do.

Happy Birthday Julia Nicole!

Today is Miss Julia's birthday. Its soooo bittersweet. I'm so happy she has reached another milestone, but kinda sad that her first year is over.

I figured, I'd post up her birth story just to remember that special day!
Labor started around 5:50am on July 18th. Thats when I noticed a contraction. of course I had been getting these contractions for a few weeks, but they always went away. I was at work at the time and didn't think anything of it. I wrote the time down, in case more came and I needed to time them. Well I had a few on and off but nothing too painful or timeable. Around 8:30am I went to the bathroom and had some bloody show. Thats when I first thought this could actually be it. I left work around 9 and headed home. I knew that if this was false labor that taking a shower would get rid of the contractions.

I took a shower and didn't notice any contractions, since it was soooo hot out, Paul, Lily, my mom and I went to the mall to walk around. I figured if I was in labor walking would certainly help! I didn't notice any contractions at the mall either, so we came home for lunch. Around noon I started noticing some contractions and they were coming about 6-9 minutes apart. I sent Paul to work and put Lily down for her nap. I called my midwife around 2pm to see what she wanted me to do. She said I should come in and get checked, so off I went to the office. I drove myself up. While making the 45 minute drive, I noticed that the contractions were getting a bit stronger. At my midwife's office we did some monitoring. Contractions were about 4 minutes apart. I asked her to check me because at my last appt. the baby was posterior and I wanted to know if she had moved. I was 2cm dilated when she checked me and the baby was in the correct position. Margie (my midwife) said that this was definitely early labor but she wanted me to go home and wait till the contractions were around 5 minutes apart and bad where I couldn't speak through them. So home I went.

The contractions were definitely getting more uncomfortable during the car ride home so I called Paul and asked him to leave work around 5pm so that he could help me with Lily that evening. Once I got home, I did some last minute cleaning up around the house, called a few people to make sure someone would be able to watch Lily if we ended up at the hospital that night. We ordered a pizza for dinner (which I had absolutely no appetite for) and then played with Lily till she went to bed. I used my breast pump to help induce some more contractions, and boy did that work. I really think thats what helped my labor progress over the course of the evening.

We put Lily to bed around 7:30pm and Paul wanted me to call Margie to see if we should head up to the birth center. He was getting a bit nervous because it was an hour long drive to the birth center... and he just gets nervous over things like that. I on the other hand was convinced that I wouldn't be going till the morning. After speaking to Margie, she said that we should continue to hang out at home till the contractions were 3-5 minutes apart. She suggested drinking some juice and eating some crackers when she found out I hadn't eaten anything since 10:30am.

Around 9:15 I called Margie back because the contractions were getting closer together and a bit more uncomfortable.... so in we went to the birth center.

My mom and mother in law followed us up to the hospital and our friend Krista stayed with Lily. Once up at the birth center we immediately got a room and Margie checked me. I was 5cm dilated, but the baby was still pretty high. This was around 10:30pm. I labored around the room for the next few hours. I was in and out of the shower, on the birthing ball, and walking around. I couldn't stand being in bed, and was happiest when I was sitting on the birthing ball. Around 12:30am I told Paul that I wanted to get in the tub, so he went to go tell our nurse.

Margie wanted to check me before I got in, so around 1:30am she came to check me. After 3 hours of laboring on my own with no medicine or pain relief, I was hoping to have made some great progress. I was quite discouraged to hear that I was only 6cm now. Margie suggested breaking my water to help move things along. I was unsure about doing this since I wanted to go as natural as possible and didn't see this as being so natural. I decided to let her do it, since it had been 3 hours and I was getting tired.

Once she broke my water things definitely picked up in speed and intensity. I was in the tub by 1:40 and telling Paul that I didn't think I could do this, that this was so hard and I couldn't do it. He kept reassuring me and telling me that I could. My mother in law and my mom were there as well pouring cool water on me and reassuring me as well. They were all great. Within a few minutes of being in the tub I told my nurse I felt pressure so she went to get Margie. Margie wanted me to sit down to get checked but I was honestly most comfortable standing up in the water. I did sit down and Margie told me I was already 8cm. I asked her how long she thought it would be till I was fully dilated and could push. She said it would be about a half hour or so. I told her it would be about 15 minutes. I was right. I kept making everyone nervous though because I wouldn't sit down, I wanted to stand up. Margie kept calling me the dancer, since I just wanted to lean on the sides of the tub and rock my hips back and forth. I remember the nurse and Margie saying that they didn't think I would be able to have the baby in the tub since I wouldn't sit and I certainly couldn't deliver standing up and having the baby do a swan dive into the tub of water (the water only came up to my knees about)

Eventually I did sit back down and when Margie checked me around 2:10am I was completely dilated, which was a good thing because I started pushing right then and there. I pushed through 3 contractions and out she came! Julia Nicole was born at 2:20am. I was in shock.... I had pushed for 2 hours with Lily so the idea of pushing 3 times was a complete surprise.

We are home now and doing well. Julia Nicole was 7lbs 8oz and 20 inches long (over a pound more than Lily was!)

and of course some pictures....

Yesterday the girls had their physicals. My girls are completely healthy, which I already knew. Lily is 30lbs and 35 inches... Jules is 23lbs and 29 inches. My little peanuts.

We had a nice time at the birthday party and the wedding this weekend. Lily was the flower girl in the wedding, however she refused to walk down the aisle.... uggg the $120 dress up dress. I brought her home and she stayed with my parents for the night while Paul and I went to the reception. Jeff and Jenn had given us a hotel room at the hotel where the reception was, which was so nice. I really had a nice time. Saturday was spent getting ready for the birthday party. The party went really well. I LOVED having it at the Little Gym. It was so nice not to have to worry about anything, and the kids really seemed to enjoy it as well. We had a nice group of about 9 kids. After the party, people came back to our house to open gifts. I didn't really enjoy that part, I didn't have any intention of having people over to the house after the party.... but I guess that didn't matter.

So in other news....


I have given my two weeks notice at work. As of July 28th I will be a Stay at home mom. Paul starts the police academy on July 30th. The agency I work for was unable to come up with an offer to keep me to stay, so I'm going to be home with the girls! I just hope no one expects me to have a home cooked dinner on the table everynight. LOL

and so it begins

We have a busy weekend coming up. Today my parents arrive and will be staying till Sunday. Paul has lasik eye surgery this afternoon. Tomorrow he has a follow up, I have a hair appointment, Lily has speech therapy, and we have Jeff and Jenn's wedding in the afternoon. After the ceremony, I'll bring Lily back to my house (where my parents and Julia will be), and I'll meet Paul at the reception. Jeff and Jenn were incredibly generous and got us a room at the hotel where the reception is. Paul and I will spend the night and then head home on Saturday. Saturday afternoon, the girls have their birthday party. And Sunday, we will rest. Thank god. I'm going to be exhausted.


I can't believe its only been two weeks since my world has been turned upside down. I thought it would have gotten easier by now.... but if anything its just gotten harder. I'm worried that the girls' birthday party will be stressful because of everything going on, and it will be the first time everyone is all together since "it" happened. Ugggg.... so not looking forward to that. Hopefully everyone can be mature and not ruin my girls' party. I've been going between devestated and crying all the time to being an angry bitch. And everytime I smile, I'm faking it. I hope it passes in time, and one day soon we can get back to where we were... or even be better than what we were.

My baby turns 3 today! Ok, well she isn't my baby anymore, but she will always be my first baby. I can't believe she's 3.... the time has gone by way too fast. I do have to say that I do love the age she is at right now. She is filled with so much personality and light. She makes me smile every day and I am forever grateful to her for teaching me love and patience and how to be a good mom.

This weekend was filled with ups and downs. Such is life. On Saturday Lily went to her gym class. She had a great time, as usual. She did so well in the class by herself. I was so proud of her. We then went to a picnic which was long and tiring. Both girls was fussy and tired by the time we left. Luckily Lily passed out in the car, and after a bit of singing and coddling, Julia fell asleep as well. My father in law was driving, so we dropped Paul and I off, and took the sleeping girls back to his house where they spent the night. Paul and I had a night for ourselves, which was nice, and definitely needed. We went out to dinner, did some shopping then got some dessert. We were in bed by 10pm and didn't get out of bed till around 7:30-8am. The girls did great at my inlaws house too! I had written a note with some instructions about Julia (since they had never had her for an overnight). I guess my mother in law didn't like the note and was hurt by it. Ugggg, its not like I wrote the note to be mean or anything, I thought it would help. Oh well.

Yesterday Paul went to pick up the girls from my inlaws. Lily screamed from 11am when she got home, till she took a nap at 1:30, slept til 4, then screamed till after 6. We had Jeff and Jen's wedding rehearsal last night, and Lily was NOT a happy flower girl. She walked down the aisle with tears streaming down her face. I brought her home to my father in law, who took care of the girls while Paul and I went to the rehearsal dinner.

It was a tough day, for various reasons. I was filled with memories from our wedding, and with everything going on right now, it was hard. I'm an angry bitter person right now, and I hate it. But like everyone says, its going to take time and hard work to make some changes. I'm just so tired.

Early Mornings

I love early mornings. I really do. Its something about the quietness of the house, before the girls wake up, or how quiet it is outside. I just enjoy them. I feel like its "my time". I woke up at 6 this morning. Jules was up around 6:45 or so. Its 7:30 now and Lily and Paul are still sleeping. I'm glad they are getting some extra rest, we have a busy day today.

Today Lily goes to gym class at 11am. Its going to be her first time going without me. She moved up a level, and now she goes into the class by herself. I hope she has a great time, but I'm nervous to see if she will end up going without me or not. I figure its really good practice for preschool this fall.

After gym class, Lily and I are meeting Paul, Julia and my father-in-law at the PD to go down to a WCPD picnic. We'll be shmoozing with all the right people. After the picnic, the plan is for the girls to go to my inlaws for an overnight, so Paul and I can have a night together. It will be my first time leaving Jules overnight, and I'm really worried. But I do trust my MIL, so I'll just have to bite the bullet.

I didn't think it could get any worse... but it just did. I don't even know what to say anymore.

grieving

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. The 5 stages of Grief.
I think I'm still in the Anger stage. I'm so angry and I hate feeling this way. Its so not me.

Two wonderful friends I spoke to yesterday equated the way I was feeling as grief. Its true. I'm grieving the loss of so much. Its nothing tangible, but ideas that were lost, hopes and dreams shattered.

I did sleep well last night, I guess that sleeping pill really did me in. I needed a good night of rest. I dragged my butt to work this morning, which was more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I would have much rather stayed in bed all day if I could have. But life goes on, I have to keep moving forward.

This situation will not get the best of me.

uggg

Its amazing how quickly everything you know and trust can be thrown out the window. Its amazing how life can throw you a huge curve ball when you least expect it. I guess the most important thing in a situation like the one I find myself in, is how you deal with it. That is the part that I am struggling with right now. How to deal... I honestly don't know. Part of me is so beyond hurt, angry, and left feeling empty. The other part of me just wants to forgive, love and move forward. So which is it... listen to my heart or my head? I just never knew how everything could be destroyed in an instant. Actually thats a lie, not everything is destroyed, because if I know anything, I know that things will get better and stronger in the end. Bonds like this aren't broken so easily, despite what other people may think.

What I really need right now is a friend.

Happy Monday

I hate mondays. YAWN. I really do. I think I'd like them a lot more if I didn't have to work.

Saturday Lily had her "show-week" at gym class. I took a ton of pictures I wanted to show off! Isn't she the cutest little gymnast. I think this is the first time I've uploaded pictures to my blog, so I'm sorry if they don't look right.

And of course some updated ones of the family and Julia too!

yuckies

The yuckies are visiting my house today. Yesterday my ear started hurting and by the time I woke up this morning, I can't swallow, my ear is in soooo much pain and my glands are swollen and tender to the touch. This friggen stinks.... I am in so much pain, I honestly think childbirth was easier. My doctor's office doesn't open for another hour, so I'm at work counting down the minutes until I can call. I hope they can see me really soon.
Yesterday I had Lily's preschool meeting, and she was found to be eligible for the preschool services. When they labelled her as "preschooler with a disability" that was kinda like a knife in the heart, but I know that the label won't mean anything past preschool and that she is going to be receiving the help that she needs right now... and that is all that matters. Now we are just awaiting the approval for the OT eval.
We had some friends over for dinner last night, and the girls got to play with two other little girls. One of the girls has SID (sensory integration disorder), which is something that we think Lily has symptoms of. When we had the psych eval for Lily, they mentioned it was possibily sensory issues, so thats why we are doing the OT eval. Anyways, it was interesting to talk to this little girl's mother about her struggles and such. Her and I had a lot in common, and some things not really in common. She kept pressing me on why we travel so far for our pediatrician and what made her so great... finally I just told her we were selectively vaccinating (which is a lie, because they aren't getting any, but I didn't want to scare her so much), she didn't have much to say after that. Oops.

wish us luck today

Today I have an appointment with the school district where they will decide if Lily is accepted into the preschool for the fall. Her speech and behavior therapist have led me to believe that there will be no problem with her getting in, so I hope they are right.

Yesterday I took the girls to Jen's house for a playdate. The weather wasn't so nice, but we seemed to have a good time. Lily loved being there. I hope Sierra teaches Jules to walk soon. Today the girls have another playdate (aren't they social butterflies?). Our friends will be coming over this afternoon with their two girls. Hopefully tomorrow will be a quieter day.

Jules didn't sleep well last night, and Lily didn't really either. Lily has had a couple night terrors this week. I hate them so much... she is always asleep during them, but crying, shaking, tossing and turning. Luckily the one last night didn't last so long. I find if I squeeze her and apply pressure to her back that she calms down faster. Jules was up for a bottle around 1am, and I was so tired I didn't pump... so I'm hoping that doesn't screw me and I fall behind with the bottles.

6 weeks

There could be some major changes happening in our house in the next six weeks. I can't really get into specifics, but everything could change. Anyone who knows me knows how easily scared I get with big changes. I don't have any control over what could be happening, and it would take a sacrifice on my part (but at the same time, I think I'd end up gaining a lot more than I... but in the end "I think" our lives would be so much better. At least thats what I hope.

We had a nice weekend. On Saturday, Paul and I got to go out to dinner and see a movie. It was really nice to get out together, we had a lot to talk about seeing as how these upcoming changes could happen really fast. We saw Oceans 13. It was a pretty good movie, hell any movie that has George Clooney, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt in it is good for me! My inlaws watched the girls and put them to bed. I felt really guilty for leaving because Julia had a tough time going to sleep. It always makes me feel bad, to know that she is crying when I'm not home. I guess its just a part of "mommy guilt".

We have a busy week this week. On Wednesday I'm taking the girls to Jen's house for a playdate in the afternoon. Thursday the girls have another playdate with some other friends. I also have a meeting with the school district for Lily's preschool entrance for this fall. I've been led to believe that we won't have any problems with her admission, so I'm hoping thats the case. I am getting a little nervous regarding the vaccination issue. Our pediatrician wrote on her medical forms that we are deffering future vaccinations. Luckily our pediatrician knows of a lawyer that specializes in these types of things, so if I get any trouble, I'll know who to call. I'm sure it won't be cheap but it will definitely be worth it. I'm just a little worried that they might bring it up at the meeting this week, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. New York state has very tough vaccine exemption laws, and I believe the only exemption I can claim is religious, but the way that the law is worded I have to do it very carefully. I'm sure I'll spend most of today and tomorrow researching the policies a bit more. I'd just hate for her preschool admission to be held up on her vaccine history.

Julia is so close to walking it isn't even funny. She loves it when I hold her hands and she can walk. We got to the point that she can walk when I just hold one hand. I can't believe she is going to be one soon. I think I'll probably cry when she turns one. We are planning on taking the girls to the Bronx Zoo on her birthday. Jen, Jer and their kids will be going as well. I think we will have a great time together! It will be Jen's birthday as well, so I'll have to think of something to embarrass her with, LOL!

Alright, I'm back to work... I'll have to write more later.

I can't believe its June already....

Welcome to the world little Hannah! A friend that I work with had her baby girl yesterday. She had a pretty easy labor and delivery, and mom and baby are doing great! I can't wait to see her, maybe Stacy and I will stop by tomorrow during lunch.

Now that June is upon us, I've got to step up my game plan for planning the girls' birthday parties. I'm planning on doing a joint party and the Little Gym. Lily has been taking gym classes there for about 6 months and LOVES it. I jumped on the chance to have their party there. I don't have to do much at all. In fact, I just give them my invite list and addresses and they take care of it. Even the decorating and the clean up. Talk about less stress. I figure we'll order a couple of pizzas, have some cake, and the kids will have a blast.

I have a meeting for Lily with the school district next week. We'll be going over all the EI stuff and the psych eval she had done yesterday. Our service coordinator told me last night that she will definitely qualify for the preschool, so I shouldn't be worried. We had a lengthy discussion about being "labeled". Of course I have a fear of Lily being "labeled" as qualifying for "special education", I mean what mother wouldn't fear that? I have to remember that I can't let my fear hold my children back. I mean, Lily will definitely receive so much help from entering this preschool, how can I hold her back? I think I would be doing a disservice to her if I didn't allow her to start this fall. Originally my plan was to start pre-school at the age of 4, so this is a little sooner than I had first planned on, but if she is going to receive the help she needs, I'd rather do it now. Its my goal that her speech and everything else is all caught up by the time she enters kindergarten, but if not, at least she'll be receiving on going help.

On the Julia front....

Our early riser needs some help. LOL. I tried playing with bedtimes last week, normally shes in bed by 7:15ish, so last week I had her going to bed a good hour later, but still she was waking up at the same time, at 6am. Its not so bad if it was me getting up with her, I don't mind the early mornings so much... but Paul on the other hand. Between work and school he is lucky to go to bed at midnight (most nights its later), so 6am isn't really giving him enough sleep. I don't know what else I can do, short of quitting my job.

fun times

Paul and I were social butterflies this weekend... well sorta... compared to how we usually are.

When I escaped from work on Friday, I went home to my parents, the girls and Paul. Lily, my father and I went to do some grocery shopping so we could have food and not be hungry. We dined on steaks for dinner. Yummy. Lily decided she would grace us with a new "trick" at bedtime... its called, "I'm not staying in my bedroom and I won't go to sleep".... of course she pulls this for the first time when Paul and I are trying to leave to go out. I was standing at the bottom of the stairs just watching her, she'd come out of her room, with a blanket, walk down the hall to our bedroom and put the blanket in our bed, then she'd walk back to her room, get another blanket, and do the same thing. I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was going "night night mommy bed"... ummm no. Its one thing when she curls up there in the morning for some snuggles, but its a whole different thing when Paul and I aren't even there. She was just stalling bedtime. Paul and I kept going up and down the stairs, ushering her back into bed. Finally around 9 she was quiet and didn't come out of her room... so away Paul and I went. We met Jana and her boyfriend out to dinner and drinks in New Paltz. We had a nice time. It was great catching up with Jana (I hadn't seen her since my wedding 3 1/2 years ago, I know, I'm a bad friend!). We remininsced about our crazy college days, how stupid we were, but more importantly, how much fun we had. Paul and I got home a little after midnight, and I know I was exhausted!!!

Saturday, my mother, Lily and I went to gym class. We had a nice time together. When Paul got home from work, we drove down to NYC for a nice romantic dinner. We ate at a little Roman Italian restaurant that we know the owner of. We had a great meal, great wine, great dessert, and most importantly, great conversation. The girls behaved wonderfully for my parents, and Jules even slept through the night. YAY. It was the first time I had left both girls alone at bedtime. I'm really pleased that everything went well.

Sunday was spent SHOPPING. I bought some gifts for a bridal shower I am going to this coming weekend and I bought a dress for the wedding in July. I"m not certain I love the dress. I had wanted something with sleeves or thicker straps, but ended up getting a halter dress. Now the hard part of finding a good bra. Eeeek I hate that. The girls, my parents and I went out to dinner. They behaved so well, and we really had a great time.

All in all it was a really nice weekend. I loved spending the extra time with my parents, and really enjoyed the time out with Paul.

so many directions

I got yelled at yesterday by my best friend from college.... about how I don't update my blog and pictures enough... Sorry Rachael!



So todays blog is going to be more of a vent than anything else, so I'll apologize in advance for that.

Do you ever feel like you are pulled in a million different directions? I've been feeling like that a lot recently. I strive to be a great mom, a great wife, a great friend, a great employee, a great daughter, etc. The list goes on. I know that as women we are all trying to be the best and the perfect one. I'm not stupid, I know that I won't be able to achieve perfection, that goal has long since left me. My goal now is just to do the best I can with what I have. And for the most part, its been working out pretty well. I think I have a good marriage, a good relationship with my kids, people at work seem to like me... but even with all of that, I keep thinking I should be doing more. Like I said last month, the status quo just isn't cutting it. Changes need to be made.

I'm not certain on the types of changes yet... but I feel like I need to de-clutter my life. I feel like I just have so much going on and I wish that I was able to devote myself to one or two or even just three of the roles that I'm required to fulfill every day. Part of me would love to be a stay-at-home mother. I really think I'd do well in that role. But the larger part of me knows that my career is important as well, and I'm determined to show everyone that you can have it all as a mother. You can be a great mom, a great wife and a great career woman. I don't have a very demanding job, but I do have my busy days. I'm truly blessed that my job allows me time with my children and that overtime isn't required. But with all this being said, I still feel the need to do better.


This weekend is going to be wierd..... on Friday I'm going to work on being a better friend. One of my friends from college, Jana, is going to be in the area and we are planning on meeting up for a drink or dinner. I haven't seen her since my wedding, over three years ago, so its long overdue. I'll be leaving both girls in the care of my more than capable parents, so everything should work out. On Saturday I'm going to be working on being a better wife. Paul and I have plans to go out to dinner down in NYC. We are going to one of our favorite restaurants, and my parents will be watching the girls from around 3pm till around 10 or 11pm... the longest I've ever left both girls. They will obviously putting the girls to bed and doing baths.... this makes me a bit nervous. I've only been away from Julia at bedtime once in 10 months, but daddy was there. I know my parents will be fine, and I'm going to spend the evening concentrating on my marriage and my relationship with Paul.

I can't remember the last time I went out two nights in a row without the girls. I really don't think I ever have. LOL, I'm such a mom... and to be quite honest I would never want it any other way.

"I told you!"

"I told you!" is Lily's new favorite phrase. Everytime I come home from work, she greets me in the window, yelling "Mommy came home!" then she looks at her father and says "I told you!". Because apparently Lily tells Daddy that Mommy is coming home from work, and apparently Paul doesn't believe her... so Lily must remind him of the fact that she told him so!

Lily is turning into quite the animated child. Her tone of voice is very high, so high in fact that the speech therapist thinks that it hinders her ability to pronounciate her words correctly. She says everything with such conviction and dramatics. She is definitely the drama queen in the house. I find it incredibly amusing to listen to her all day long.

Yesterday I took her and Julia grocery shopping, then out for ice cream after. As we are driving in the car, Lily is singing every single song she knows. This includes, "Itsy Bitsy Spider", "Rock-a-by-baby", "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", and the ABCs. She also likes to count down from 10... and when she gets to one, she says "Blast off!". As I'm driving, I'm sitting there laughing my butt off, because I just find her to be so funny.

I think this is one of the best parts of motherhood. Seeing your child get so much joy and excitement out of the littles of things, its truly amazing. I love watching her learn things and experience things for the first time. We were playing outside the other day, and she's picking all the old dandelions, ya know the ones where you blow and the white stuff gets everywhere... anyways, she is trying to blow them and really just getting mouthfuls of the stuff... but of course she thought it was the funniest thing...


Yesterday I went to visit a pre-school that Lily will probably go to. I am not 100% sure I am comfortable with it though. I feel blocked in by my choices. Because of her speech issues, we feel that we want a pre-school program that has speech therapy included. Well this obviously really narrows our choices. We have 3 choices in our area. Both Paul and I would prefer a 3 day a week program, because we think that would be an easier transition for Lily. Well that leaves one school left, the one I visited yesteray. Luckily this school is building a new site, and it will be finished in August, so thats a definite plus. The class she would be in seems small, only about 7-8 kids, so thats good as well. There is an early childhood teacher and a speech therapist in the room. The kids also receive some music therapy as well. What I wasn't impressed with was the size of the room, it seemed rather small and cramped. The supplies and books seemed outdated and old. I also wasn't impressed with the snacks... I saw kids drinking capri-suns and eating cheetos... at 10am. So not ok in my book. I asked if snacks were something that was provided by the school or the parents. I didn't really get a straight answer. The woman leading the tour said that sometimes one parent was responsible for providing snacks one day a week, or sometimes they brought their own. I'm certainly not ok with some stranger buying a bag of cheetos on the way to preschool. yuck. I'm hoping we can get another tour soon, and that Paul and I can actually sit down with her teachers and talk to them directly. I'd like to know how long they have been teaching and their backgrounds as well.

why i should write things down

I really need to be more careful about writing things down in my planner. I am so like my mother in this regard. If I don't write it down, I can promise you it probably won't get done.

This morning before work I noticed the answering machine light blinking. My first thought was that there was some emergency at Paul's job and he would have to go in. I listened to the message and found out that the open house for the pre-school that we want Lily to go to is today. I wrote it down when I had found out about it.... but it didn't make it into my planner, so I had completely forgotten about it.

This is soooooo something my mother would do.

My exciting morning doesn't stop here. I get to work and notice that there are no lights on. Apparently the clinic lost power sometime over the weekend. I'm working with no lights, no phone, and praying my laptop battery doesn't die on me. I even had to pee in a pitchdark bathroom. Fun times.

Anyways, just the makings of a fun Monday morning.


This past week we cut out one of Julia's bottles. She is now down to three 6 ounce bottles of breastmilk a day, with the occasional couple of ounces at night. She seems to be doing well with it. She did wake up two times the other night, but she's cutting tooth #7 and #8 so I expected her sleep patterns would be disturbed a bit. With her taking less bottles, I'm still having to pump around the clock just to keep up. But I keep telling myself its worth it, its only 2 more months and I can do it. I don't think I'll stop pumping at a year, but you can bet your butt I won't be pumping at work anymore. I'll probably pump in the mornings, when I get home from work, and once before bed. I'm hoping by 12 months to have her down to one bottle, so I'm hoping my expectations are pretty reasonable.

I'm excited for this week! My parents are coming to visit on Thursday night. I can't wait to see them and spend some time with them. Its been far too long. Paul and I are planning a night out on Saturday. We are planning to go to one of our favorite restaurants down in NYC. We haven't been there since January of 2006, so a great meal is definitely due! We always seem to go there when I'm pregnant, so I'm looking forward not to being pregnant while we are there, haha.

Happy Mother's Day

We had a nice weekend. Erin and Krista joined us for dinner on Saturday. Yummy food with equally yummy conversation. It was nice to visit with friends. Lily, Krista and I baked cookies which was lots of fun. Lily referred to Erin as "that one", which was cute. She requested that Krista give her a bath, comb her hair and read her books before bed.

Jules decided to remind us who was boss.... she had been sleeping a 12 hour night for 4 nights in a row... then all of a sudden the past two nights its back to nightwakings and early mornings. I hope that she goes back to sleeping through the night soon, I was kinda getting used to it!

Yesterday the girls gave me Mother's Day cards (which Paul picked out obviously), they were quite funny. Lily kept saying that mommy had mail. We then took my mother-in-law out for breakfast. We gave her silver heart earrings that had 2 rubies (the girls' birthstones) and a small diamond in them. She loved them.... well at least she said she did. She gave me chocolate covered strawberries, a beautiful card, and a giftcard for the mall (which she instructed was to only be used for me). After brunch we came home and relaxed. Paul got me a necklace from Tiffany's... he ordered it online. But for some reason they sent him a bracelet. Its not even the same style. The necklace has 5 open hearts on it, but the bracelet they sent has small teardrops... so he is going to exchange it, since I'd rather have the necklace.
Paul worked last night and the girls took decent naps, so all in all it was a good evening and a great Mother's Day.

Last Wednesday Paul and I met with a neuro-psychologist that we were hoping would complete the neuro-psych eval for Lily. After speaking to the psychologist, we learned a few things and now have some decisions to make. According to them, neuro-psych evals are normally done closer to the age of 4, and seeing how Lily isn't even 3 yet, they aren't sure whether or not it would be beneficial yet. They did suggest an OT eval because of some of her sensory issues she has. Our pediatrician has also suggested Sensory Integration Therapy for her, and we are now working on scheduling the OT eval to start this. We just need to find an OT that works primarily with sensory stuff, because a lot of them mainly work with fine motor skills. We also found out that the neuro-psych eval is very similar to the psych eval she will get done through the school district before she starts preschool. However, after speaking to another mother in our area that is going through something simliar... the neuro-psych eval would be a little different and would provide a more "medical" eval more than just the standard IQ testing that the psych eval does. We have a friend that is a psychologist in the school district, so I might give her a call and talk to her about what the eval she does includes. We also found out that our insurance company does not cover the neuro-psych eval when its done in regards to developmental delays, disabilities or suspected autism... and without insurance it runs $1,000. Obviously if we need it, we'll pay for it... but given the fact its not normally done till the age of 4, and the fact its so close to the psych eval she is already getting done, I'm questioning whether or not we need to do this now, or later.

busy weekend

This past weekend was pretty busy. Lily and I went to gym class on Saturday. Lily had a great time, as usual. She walked on the balance beam all by herself! She is getting really good and flipping over the bars too... my little gymnast!

Saturday afternoon when Paul got off of work, we took the girls to the mall and bought a new mattress for the guest bedroom. We had been considering getting a king size bed for ourselves, but realistically we didn't really have the money to do that this year, so we are hoping next year to do that. Our plan is to move our queen set into the guest room, give Lily the new one we just bought, and move Lily's twin bed into Jules' room for her... so next year we will play "musical beds"... lol

Sunday morning Lily and I started our shopping around 8:30am... we went to Walmart, the grocery store, then I headed up to Target, Old Navy and H & M.... I was in search for the perfect pajamas for Jules... I ended up getting laundry done, the house vacuumed, bathroom cleaned and kitchen mopped. So all in all it was a busy weekend. I'm actually pretty happy to be at work today, so I can catch up here and with other stuff online.

ugggg

Ugggggg, what a long weekend. It had the potential to be kinda nice... but after a certain situation on Saturday evening, I had a sour taste in my mouth for the remainder of the weekend.

Saturday started pretty normally, my mother in law came over to watch Julia, so that I could take Lily to gym class. Lily decided she didn't want to wait her turn in class and ended up having a pretty good tantrum where she pulled my hair, bit me, the whole nine yards... so we had a time out right there. I'm a mean mommy. As soon as we get done with gym class Lily informed me she wanted to go to grammy's house and told me to pack her bag... LOL. Wilma was all to happy to have her over, and I knew she would have a good time, so I agreed. Jules and I spent the remainder of the afternoon cleaning house. That evening we (Paul, Jules and I) went out to dinner with my inlaws, my sister in law and Lily. We went out for sushi, yummmmmy! I was happy to go out to dinner with everyone and thought it would be fun. hahaha. Two certain family members decided to take it upon themselves to give my nine month old SAKI. I was and still am truly discusted and completely upset about it. My sister in law put her finger in her glass of saki, then put her finger in Jules' mouth 3 friggen times. HELLO, are you stupid? Apparently. Paul told her not to, and she told him to "relax, it will help her gums".... I was FUMING. I still am. Then my fil let her suck on an empty bottle of saki, and again, Paul told him no, I pulled out a teether and offered that instead. We were both completely ignored. I wanted to leave right then and there, I wanted to bring Lily home with me, I wanted to smack my sister in law, I was so angry.
Anyways, we get home, and I decide that ok, Lily can spend the night there, but in the future I'm not leaving either of my children alone with my sister in law, and I'm not letting Lily spend the night at my inlaws when my sister in law is visiting... and it will be a very very very very long time before I let Jules over there regardless.
I trust my mother in law, I really do, I have a great relationship with her. I honestly do. But I think that it is important to feel listened to and validated. I mean come on, Paul and I are the parents, not them. If we say no to something then guess what... the answer is no. Imagine that...
Now I know and accept the fact that grandparents spoil grandkids. I expect Lily to get to stay up late and watch tv and eat lots of cookies when she is there... heck thats the fun part of having grandparents, right? I know this, I accept it. But come on now, you don't give a nine month old SAKI... are you insane?

Ok maybe I'm writing out of anger, but I think I have a legitimate reason to be upset. I know I'm venting, but honestly everything I've written here, I'd say to her face, so I don't feel bad about it. I know that she loves my kids, but she needs to understand, that they are MY kids well mine and Paul's... NOT HERS.

Yesterday was an interesting day

Around 10am Paul called and asked me where the first aid kit was. As soon as he said that, I knew I was in for a long day. Jules normally crawls around in the dining room, and normally gets stuck under the table or a chair. Same thing happened yesterday, so Paul went to get her out and noticed there was blood everywhere. Ends up she had spliced her index finger open. We still have NO idea what she cut it on. I have torn apart the dining room looking for something she could have cut herself on, and I can't figure it out. And for any of you who have been in my house, you know my dining room is the cleanest room of my house, there is nothing in there... well we know thats a lie, there was obviously something in there. Anyways, Paul ended up calling the rescue squad around 10:30am because it was still bleeding and he couldnt get a bandage on it. I got home at 11am and Jules was sleeping. Once she got up around 1pm she tore her bandaid off and was bleeding everywhere. I decided that after 3 hours of this, I'd take her to the ER to see if she needed stitches.

Paul came home from work and I headed up to the ER alone with her. All I have to say is that I was pretty happy that I had been through this before last year with Lily, so I knew what to expect. Obviously not happy that either of them needed stitches, but happy that I knew what was going on. It helped me to remain a bit calmer.

The doctor that saw Jules thought she would be able to use the liquid bandage to stop the bleeding, but that didn't work, so it was time for the papoose to come out. Jules was restrained in that while she got 5 stitches on her little finger. She was so upset and traumitized, as was I. Of course she starts screaming mommmmmm, mommmmmmmmm...... her first time saying mom, and this is the situation (believe it or not, this was the first time Lily said mama, when she was getting her stitches done last year).

I ended up lying on the medical documents, when they asked if she was up to date on her immunizations. I've got to do some further research about the tetnus vaccine, and we will follow up with our doctor about that tomorrow. I don't think we will get it, but I'd like to do some research just to make sure.

Anyways, that was my exciting day.

changes are coming

I think that my life is going to be changing soon. It seems certain things are out of my control. It came to light this weekend, that the status quo just isn't working I guess. I don't do well with major change, but after this weekend, I don't really think I have a choice in the matter.

Its odd how you think things are fine and going well, but then you realize you have been disillusioned for quite some time. Maybe I had blinders on so I didn't see it coming. I don't really know. All I know is that things are going to change, and I don't think I'm ready.

rain rain go away

Its been raining since Saturday night. Yuck. Our neighbors have a new pond in their front yard. I'm happy we are on a hill, so we didn't have any damage. Unfortunately a lot of people in our area weren't so lucky. I had to take the girls out to buy Lily's Flower Girl dress on Sunday in the rain. Luckily Wilma came with me, so I had some extra help. Definitely a good thing. I love Lily's dress, she is going to be such the princess. We've been practicing walking slow. So far its had mixed results. I tried all night last night to get her to try it on so I could take a picture. But she kept telling me "no dress up", she wanted to play with her toolbench instead... what a tomboy.

Work is busy this week. I have a lot of patients to see and a group to run on Friday. Then next week we have a Clinic Administrator meeting that I'm presenting at, then following that meeting I have to go to a school and do my presentation on HIV/AIDS. I have to call Wilma to come over and help Paul with bedtime because getting two kids to bed is no easy task. This Saturday is busy as well. Lily has gym class, then we are off to a wedding celebration down in Westchester, Paul's god-parents' son got married back in January, so they are having a little reception Saturday afternoon. They have never met Julia, and haven't seen Lily since she was about one, so it should be nice. Following that, Jen, Jer and the kids are coming over for dinner.... well Jen is coming over for cosmos.... our husbands are going to take care of the kids while we pretend we are rich housewives, LOL!

On Friday we met with our Early Intervention worker for Lily. Speech therapy will be beginning on May 3. Unfortunately I still haven't heard from our behavioral therapist to set that up, and I'm having difficulty finding a place to do the neuro-psych evaluation. Our EI worker said she could help with that, but I'm sorta wanting to get it done sooner rather than later, and I don't like relying on other people to do things for me.

I guess thats my all too interesting of an update.

and the ball is rolling

Paul and I took Lily to the doctor's yesterday to voice some of our concerns. Our pediatrician is truly amazing and spent nearly an hour with us. I never felt rushed and she validated our concerns and gave us some great ideas and referrals. Our first step is to get a neuro-psych evaluation done. I'll be calling a local hospital (well not too local) to set this up. Secondly, we will start sensory integration therapy. I can't write too much right now, but based on everything we told our doctor, and even the behaviors Lily exhibited while we were there, our doctor agrees that Lily is somewhere on the spectrum of Autism Disorders.

I'm happy that we are moving forward and she will get the help that she needs, but devestated at the same time. Only another mother could understand.

Lily

Paul and I had Lily re-evaluated yesterday by our local Early Intervention program. Back in January she had been evaluated and wasn't found to be eligible for services. However we still had some concerns and wanted her re-evaluated. I'm happy to say that now she qualifies. She will be receiving speech therapy once a week and behavioral therapy twice a month. She has a 30% delay in speech, mainly expressive and articulation. She has a 30% delay in social cognitive as well.

As far as speech goes, the main concerns is her inability to pronounciate words. She often leaves off the ending of words and rarely says words that are more than one syllable. She doesn't move her tounge side to side or up, which in turn affects her speech. She also doesn't use a lot of verbs or put multiple words together by herself. She will if prodded, but not on her own.

With the social piece, she basically needs to learn how to regulate herself and her emotions. This is the area that Paul and I have a lot of concern with, and we have our suspicions regarding this area which I"m not going to get into online... but if you know us well enough, you exactly what we are talking about.

Anyways, we are happy she will be getting the help she needs, and my only hope is that by the time she starts school she will be all caught up.

Happy Easter

We had a great time in Rochester this past weekend. We arrived up on Thursday afternoon. After a nice dinner with my parents and putting the kids to bed, Paul and I headed out to my favorite grocery store (Wegmans), then went out for a couple of drinks. We had a nice time. On friday, Lily and I ran some errands in the morning. We went to a little Italian bakery that I grew up going to, and Lily wooed the owners, and scored some cookies... she was happy! Friday evening my mom's entire side of the family came over for pizza. It was busy, but great to see everyone. Saturday morning we had a brunch with my dad's side of the family. Also a great time! Saturday afternoon I visited with my cousin and another friend of our family. Sunday morning was church and then the 5 hour drive home. Julia cut another tooth while we were up in Rochester... makes the grand total in the past month, 4! Not a happy girl, and definitely not a sleeping girl.

When we arrived back into town yesterday, we went straight to my in-laws for Easter Dinner. As soon as we got home, we put the kids to bed and started unpacking. How we do so much laundry is beyond me... lol. Of course Jules slept like absolute crap last night, and decided to scream from 3am-4:30am. I didn't get a chance to go back to bed, and that last hour of sleep was definitely needed. I thought I was going to have to pull over on the way to work this morning because I could barely keep my eyes open. YAWN!

Oh and before I end this blog, I have to share some of the cute things Lily has been saying.....
When you ask her what daddy's name is, she responds, "Paul", and when you ask her what mommy's name is, she responds "dear"..... hahaha, its because I always yell "Paul" and he always responds, "yes dear?".... too cute! And another, when she is getting into something we say "Lily Grace", and so now she responds, "no Lily Grace" hehe shes a cutie.

another weekend of travelling

So tomorrow all of us are heading to Rochester for the holiday weekend. I'm looking forward to spending time with our whole family. Last year we weren't able to make it up to Rochester for Easter, so I'm definitely excited about it this year. Not to mention the fact I bought the girls matching Easter dresses, everything matches, the hat, the sweater, the tights, the shoes... LOL, I'm a nut, but my girls are gonna be darn friggen cute! Thats for sure. Of course Rochester is expecting SNOW this weekend, so now I kinda want to go out and buy matching dress coats. haha, maybe thats taking it a step too far... but come on, they aren't going to let me dress them in matching clothes forever! So the way I see it, I should be taking advantage of it now.

Paul and I have had a really tough week with Jules. She does not want to sleep at night!! She is cutting a crapload of teeth and that makes for a pretty fussy girl. I feel so bad for her, I can't stand seeing her in pain... but come on a working mommy needs to sleep. Thats not to say that other mommies don't but when my alarm clock goes off at 4am, you bet your butt I would have liked to have slept a couple of hours first! I'm hoping they cut through soon, then we can get back into the swing of things. I'm sure the constant pumping I'm doing at night is certainly making me a bit more tired. I'm up at least two times a night to pump, then a couple times with Julia, and maybe once with Lily. Last night Lily decided to pee in her bed. And yes, she went to bed with a diaper on (we haven't night trained yet)... at some point in the night she must have pooped, took her pants and diaper off and fell back asleep. Then when she peed she woke up crying. So Paul was changing her sheets around 1am and I was doing laundry... the joys of parenthood. Luckily she fell right back asleep and is still sleeping now... Jules on the other hand has been up for a while with Paul.

and we're back

We arrived home yesterday afternoon after a week of fun in the sun. The girls and I had a pretty good time, all things considered. Lily swam a lot in the pool, ate lots of ice cream and had a ball on the beach. We took lots of walks and collected rocks, sea shells and pine-cones. We even managed to hit up a children's museum. Over all it was a great trip. Jules on the other hand cut a tooth (one of like 8 coming in). She still isn't nursing and to be quite honest I'm quickly losing any hope that she will. I've been pumping like mad trying to keep up with her, but its been exhausting and incredibly difficult. At one point I supplemented with a bit of formula and she took it well the first time, but since then she screams every time I try to give her any.... so it looks like formula isn't an option right now.
I did end up taking her to the pediatrician last week before we left and she wasn't sick, no ear infections or anything, just teething and being stubborn.

We managed pretty well at the airports. The kids were well behaved on the way there, in fact Lily was perfectly well behaved on the plane. She did throw a pretty big fit at JFK on our way home, so Paul ended up carrying the screaming child out of the airport. She was overtired, but luckily calmed down once we got into the car and headed home. Jules was great on the plane, she fussed a little during take off and landing, but other than that was pretty good. My parents were a HUGE help and I'm so happy we decided to take a vacation with them. Lily and my mom are so close and it makes me happy she loves her Nana so much! My dad had a great time with Lily and Jules too. Lily even fell asleep next to my dad one night, it was so cute.

I was able to catch up with an old college friend one night. She drove from Miami to visit, a 2-3 hour drive. We were able to go out for a couple of drinks, it was really nice. I definitely enjoyed catching up and reminiscing. Its great how you don't see someone for 2 years but can jump right in and its like you never were apart... I think that's a true friend!

Last night was a tough night. Both kids went to bed pretty easily, but Julia was up a lot at night, and of course didn't want to nurse. She just wanted to be held and rocked to sleep. I don't really mind doing that, but Paul on the other hand was frustrated and definitely upset by these new habits. I hope we can all get back into the swing of things pretty easily in the next couple of days.

day #3 of hell

Julia won't nurse. She refuses. Everytime she is hungry and I try to nurse her she screams. She hasn't latched on since 2:30am on Saturday. I know some people who read this will say something along the lines of "well give her a bottle"... and yeah that might be the quick fix, but thats not an option for me. The only people who can begin to comprehend how I feel are those that are nursing or who have nursed their babies. Imagine for a minute that one day your baby just decided not to nurse, not to do something they have been doing for nearly 8 months every 2-4 hours.... imagine that. I'm beyond devastated. I'm beyond heartbroken. I feel inadequate, I feel like an utter and complete failure. I haven't stopped crying since Saturday. I feel like this sacred bond was just shattered... and I completely blame myself. On Thursday Jules bit me while nursing, and I yelled out in pain. She nursed fine the rest of the day and fine the next, but then two days later she decided to stop.... and I completely 100% blame myself for this.
I've been syringe feeding her a couple of ounces here and there, she has cut down on her intake of solids. She will drink breastmilk out of a bottle, but I'm so not ok with doing bottles. I can't pump enough to exclusively feed her that way. I barely pump 2-3 ounces at a time... she eats 6 ounces at a time. Now let me state, I am in NO WAY AGAINST formula. Lily was formula fed from about 6-7 months on. I"m not against it, but I don't want to turn to formula. I want to do everything I can, exhaust every option before I turn to it.
I'm truly dreading our vacation tomorrow. I don't want to bring my pump, I don't want to bring bottles... but it looks like I have no choice.
I"m going to bring Julia to the doctor today. I want to find out whats wrong. Maybe an ear infection? I don't know. I'm completely clueless. I'm exhausted. I'm depressed.

I keep wishing I had cherished our time together more. Don't get me wrong, I definitely cherished it. But I just wish I had held her a little longer, let her comfort herself a little bit more, I wish, I wish, I wish...

I was trying so hard to make it work. I tried so hard to get this "mom" thing right this time. Ok, now that I'm hysterically crying at work, I should go.

But for all you breastfeeding moms out there who read this... nurse your baby a little longer today, cherish it a bit more... hold them close and realize how incredibly special it is. Because before you know it, the bond could break.

time changes stink

I'm really not adjusting well to this time change. When the alarm clock goes off at 4am, my body is still convinced its only 3am.... yawn, it makes for a rough morning. But I have my coffee and my internet, so all is well.
I keep telling myself that next week at this time I will be on my way to Florida with my two most favorite girls. I can't tell you excited I am getting about it... nervous still, but definitely looking forward to some great quality time with Lily and Julia. We need this, all three of us. As much as I enjoy working I do miss them, and I think a week of hanging out with my girlies is just what I need.
Sibling rivalry has reared its nasty head at our home this past week. Well its been there for a while, but its getting a bit worse. In the past, if Lily wanted to play with something that Julia was playing with, we would have her trade, and it worked for a while. However now that Julia is more mobile and has much more personality, she doesn't really like it when Lily snatches a cool toy away and gives her a block instead. Somehow she has realized that isn't such an even trade. All afternoon I heard Lily yelling "Lily play that, Lily play that, No Ge-ge, No!" (Lily calls Jules, ge-ge). Now when Lily takes something from Julia, Jules crawls right over to her and snatches it back. The first time it happened Lily gave me this odd look like "what the heck just happened Mom?"... kinda funny. We are working on taking turns, and saying please, and I"m sure in time it will work itself out, but it seems like its going to be a slow process.

14 days and counting

2 weeks until we leave for vaca! Ahhhh I'm getting excited about it. Of course I'm a bit nervous about travelling with two little ones... but I know once we get down to Florida we will have a great time. The day we leave is going to be a looooooooooooooooooong day. Our flight is at 10am out of JFK, which means we need to leave our house around 6am. Which means I gotta get the kids up around 4:30-5am. Which means I've gotta get outta bed, showered and dressed by 4. YAWN, I'm tired just thinking about it. But on the plus side, we will be arriving in Florida around 1:30pm, plenty of time to unpack, unwind, play a little and get some rest. I've finished al the shopping for our trip this past weekend. The girls have enough summer clothes and bathing suits for the week. I can't wait for warm weather. My grandfather said its supposed to be in the 80s... I hope he's right! Fun and sun, here we come!

Jules is in the process of cutting a top tooth. This would explain the sleepless nights, the fussiness, the lack of naps. I just hope and pray they cut through before we leave for vacation.

weekend

Ahhh its Monday. Back at work and back in the grind. We had a pretty decent weekend, I got a lot done and spent way too much money. Saturday Lily and I went to her gym class. After class she went to grandma's house for an overnight. I spent the day with Jules and we cleaned house, went through some clothes for vacation and when Paul got home we went shopping. I think I've got everything we need for our upcoming vacation. We even managed to go out to dinner together. Jules was on her best behavior and we had a nice time. We were walking in Target after our dinner and much to our surprise, Lily comes running around the aisle. My sister-in-law was right behind her. I guess they went out for some shopping as well. Lily managed to get Grandpa to buy her some Mickey Mouse toy. All she has to do is smile at him, and the credit card comes out. haha. She had a great time with them, but I was happy to have her home on Sunday.
And we have two big pieces of news!

Lily will now POOP in the potty. YAY!!!!! I'm so happy. She had been doing it on and off for Paul, but now she will poop in the potty for me and for anyone else who wants to see. Actually when I put her on the potty she tells me to leave, well she actually tells me to go watch Julia, and then I hear her clapping and yelling "Lily pooped in the potty" She gets so happy haha, she's a nut.

Julia said her first word on Friday! She says "dada" now. It was pretty funny last night, Jules was playing with Lily and started saying "dadadadadada" and Lily looked at her funny and said "dada work". Their first conversation.

getting my hair cut today

Today is the day I'm getting my hair chopped off. I still have no idea what I'm going to get done... all I know is that I want at least 3 inches off the bottom layer. Its getting way too long and heavy. I'm going to a new stylist today (my old one had the nerve to quit when she had her baby), I'm hoping this new stylist doesn't do too much damage.

We had another early morning with Julia today. Well I shouldn't say "we", I should say "Paul did". I was leaving around 5ish, and heard Jules waking up. Luckily I had enough time to pump a bottle this morning before I left, so I had assumed that she'd just take the bottle and go back to sleep... unfortunately Paul wasn't so lucky and the two of them started their day before 6am. Its days like this I wish I was a Stay at home mom.... I know how hard Paul works and I know how busy he is with school work. I just wish I could let him sleep more. When I don't have to be up early in the mornings I always let him sleep (I do, even though Lily would rather go in and wake him up). I just feel a lot of "mommy guilt" when I'm at work in the mornings and Paul is so tired. But I suppose there is no use dwelling on it, seeing as how we don't really have an option when it comes to me staying home right now.

My big news today concerns poop. Not mine, but Lily's! She is FINALLY pooping in the potty. She will ONLY do it with Daddy. She is so proud of herself when she poops in the potty and talks about it all day. I just wish I could get her to do it with me... oh well, I'm sure she will soon. I'm just happy that she is pretty much outta diapers (other than naptime and bedtime). At Christmas, my inlaws had given Lily the LeapPad learning system... its educational video games. I'm pretty much against video games for children Lily's age, but figured since it was educational, then as long as it was used in moderation then it really can't cause any harm. We told Lily that once she pooped in the potty she could play this new game. Well when she pooped, we decided to open up the game and set it up... apparently its "parent proof" because neither Paul nor I can figure out how to set it up. Well we had promised Lily a game, so Paul and Lily now play Tiger Woods Golf on the XBox 360 whenever she poops in the potty.... and let me tell you, I've never seen a child so happy to "press the green button".

Mr. Right...

MR. RIGHT
His age: 26
How tall is he? 5’11″
How long have you been together (married)? Married for 3 years
How long did you know each other before you got together? We met Martin Luther King weekend of 2000, we got together before Valentine's day. We were together on and off until 2003. Then married in 2004.
What physical features attracted you to him first? ummmm I'd have to say his eyes
Eye color: Green
Hair color: Brown
How did you meet? we met through my best friend in college
How serious is it? completely and totally serious.
Are you “in love”? without a doubt
Do your parents like him? my parents love him, he's the son they never had.
Do his parents like you? I think so.
Do you trust him? I wouldn't have married him if I didn't.
Would you share a toothbrush with him? yes
Would he let you wear his pants? yes of course
Does he smoke or do drugs? nope.
Do you have a shirt of his that you sleep in? of course
Do you like the way he smells? yes!
Can you picture having kids with him? i hope so!
What bothers you the most about him? hmmmmm, no comment
Does he have a temper? yup
Are you happy to be with him? Most definitely!
Does he embarrass you in public? sometimes
Does he have any piercings? no
Does he have any scars that you know of? yes
Is he a party dude or stay at home? Stay at home.
Is he outgoing or shy? outgoing.
Does he love his mama? Yes.
Would he hang out with you and your friends? of course.

the first one

I've decided to change blogs. Not exactly sure why, but I think I will like this one better. I'm hoping to update this one more frequently than my old one.

Perhaps I should share a little about me....

I am 25 years old, I've been married for 3 years to the one I fell in love with in college. We have two children, Lily (2 1/2) and Julia (7 months). I believe in the working mother. I worked hard for my degree and believe I can be the best in both worlds... career and mommy. My girls are a huge part of who I am. I'm a natural birth-breastfeeding-non vaccinating junkie. I want to do best by my girls and I tend to parent off my children's cues and my instincts. I work full time, my husband works full time and is in school full time. Yes, we are busy, but we make our life work. I have a few close friends, but I'm closest to my parents. I absolutely love being around my family, they bring me joy every minute of the day. Of course they test my patience, but thats what family (and children) do. I wouldn't have it any other way.