Preschool graduation

Lily graduated from preschool this morning. She was so excited for what she is calling her "special day". I can't believe my little girl will be 5 in a month. Where has the time gone? She is full of personality, love, empathy and sass. What a wonderful combination. She drives me insane most days, but its a "good" insane. She loves life, she feels every emotion to the fullest, and she makes me want to be a better mother. Lily is so excited to start kindergarten in the fall, she can't wait to ride the school bus (something I could live without), and she can't wait to meet new friends and experience it. Of course I have my hesitations, but I would never let her know that. I know she's going to do so well at school and it makes me so happy that she is excited about it.

it creeps up...

One minute you are feeling good... then the next you are overcome with grief. So goes the story of my recent weeks.

I haven't blogged because I've been busy, and scared. I keep myself busy, but then the feelings of loss creep up and I"m struck with it all at once... then I get too scared to write.

Does that make any sense? I doubt it.

I had blood work drawn this week, and got the results today. Everything is normal. Lovely. F-ing lovely. I should be happy that everything is the way it should be, but I'm not. I'm sad that its all normal... I'm angry about it. I don't FEEL normal so to be told that the bloodwork came back "great" (in my doctor's words) was upsetting. Its like it kind of took away from the loss. If the blood work and labs came back as normal, shouldn't I feel normal? Because I DON'T! I definitely don't feel normal, like everything is ok. I miss my baby, I miss what could have been.