and we're back

We arrived home yesterday afternoon after a week of fun in the sun. The girls and I had a pretty good time, all things considered. Lily swam a lot in the pool, ate lots of ice cream and had a ball on the beach. We took lots of walks and collected rocks, sea shells and pine-cones. We even managed to hit up a children's museum. Over all it was a great trip. Jules on the other hand cut a tooth (one of like 8 coming in). She still isn't nursing and to be quite honest I'm quickly losing any hope that she will. I've been pumping like mad trying to keep up with her, but its been exhausting and incredibly difficult. At one point I supplemented with a bit of formula and she took it well the first time, but since then she screams every time I try to give her any.... so it looks like formula isn't an option right now.
I did end up taking her to the pediatrician last week before we left and she wasn't sick, no ear infections or anything, just teething and being stubborn.

We managed pretty well at the airports. The kids were well behaved on the way there, in fact Lily was perfectly well behaved on the plane. She did throw a pretty big fit at JFK on our way home, so Paul ended up carrying the screaming child out of the airport. She was overtired, but luckily calmed down once we got into the car and headed home. Jules was great on the plane, she fussed a little during take off and landing, but other than that was pretty good. My parents were a HUGE help and I'm so happy we decided to take a vacation with them. Lily and my mom are so close and it makes me happy she loves her Nana so much! My dad had a great time with Lily and Jules too. Lily even fell asleep next to my dad one night, it was so cute.

I was able to catch up with an old college friend one night. She drove from Miami to visit, a 2-3 hour drive. We were able to go out for a couple of drinks, it was really nice. I definitely enjoyed catching up and reminiscing. Its great how you don't see someone for 2 years but can jump right in and its like you never were apart... I think that's a true friend!

Last night was a tough night. Both kids went to bed pretty easily, but Julia was up a lot at night, and of course didn't want to nurse. She just wanted to be held and rocked to sleep. I don't really mind doing that, but Paul on the other hand was frustrated and definitely upset by these new habits. I hope we can all get back into the swing of things pretty easily in the next couple of days.

day #3 of hell

Julia won't nurse. She refuses. Everytime she is hungry and I try to nurse her she screams. She hasn't latched on since 2:30am on Saturday. I know some people who read this will say something along the lines of "well give her a bottle"... and yeah that might be the quick fix, but thats not an option for me. The only people who can begin to comprehend how I feel are those that are nursing or who have nursed their babies. Imagine for a minute that one day your baby just decided not to nurse, not to do something they have been doing for nearly 8 months every 2-4 hours.... imagine that. I'm beyond devastated. I'm beyond heartbroken. I feel inadequate, I feel like an utter and complete failure. I haven't stopped crying since Saturday. I feel like this sacred bond was just shattered... and I completely blame myself. On Thursday Jules bit me while nursing, and I yelled out in pain. She nursed fine the rest of the day and fine the next, but then two days later she decided to stop.... and I completely 100% blame myself for this.
I've been syringe feeding her a couple of ounces here and there, she has cut down on her intake of solids. She will drink breastmilk out of a bottle, but I'm so not ok with doing bottles. I can't pump enough to exclusively feed her that way. I barely pump 2-3 ounces at a time... she eats 6 ounces at a time. Now let me state, I am in NO WAY AGAINST formula. Lily was formula fed from about 6-7 months on. I"m not against it, but I don't want to turn to formula. I want to do everything I can, exhaust every option before I turn to it.
I'm truly dreading our vacation tomorrow. I don't want to bring my pump, I don't want to bring bottles... but it looks like I have no choice.
I"m going to bring Julia to the doctor today. I want to find out whats wrong. Maybe an ear infection? I don't know. I'm completely clueless. I'm exhausted. I'm depressed.

I keep wishing I had cherished our time together more. Don't get me wrong, I definitely cherished it. But I just wish I had held her a little longer, let her comfort herself a little bit more, I wish, I wish, I wish...

I was trying so hard to make it work. I tried so hard to get this "mom" thing right this time. Ok, now that I'm hysterically crying at work, I should go.

But for all you breastfeeding moms out there who read this... nurse your baby a little longer today, cherish it a bit more... hold them close and realize how incredibly special it is. Because before you know it, the bond could break.

time changes stink

I'm really not adjusting well to this time change. When the alarm clock goes off at 4am, my body is still convinced its only 3am.... yawn, it makes for a rough morning. But I have my coffee and my internet, so all is well.
I keep telling myself that next week at this time I will be on my way to Florida with my two most favorite girls. I can't tell you excited I am getting about it... nervous still, but definitely looking forward to some great quality time with Lily and Julia. We need this, all three of us. As much as I enjoy working I do miss them, and I think a week of hanging out with my girlies is just what I need.
Sibling rivalry has reared its nasty head at our home this past week. Well its been there for a while, but its getting a bit worse. In the past, if Lily wanted to play with something that Julia was playing with, we would have her trade, and it worked for a while. However now that Julia is more mobile and has much more personality, she doesn't really like it when Lily snatches a cool toy away and gives her a block instead. Somehow she has realized that isn't such an even trade. All afternoon I heard Lily yelling "Lily play that, Lily play that, No Ge-ge, No!" (Lily calls Jules, ge-ge). Now when Lily takes something from Julia, Jules crawls right over to her and snatches it back. The first time it happened Lily gave me this odd look like "what the heck just happened Mom?"... kinda funny. We are working on taking turns, and saying please, and I"m sure in time it will work itself out, but it seems like its going to be a slow process.

14 days and counting

2 weeks until we leave for vaca! Ahhhh I'm getting excited about it. Of course I'm a bit nervous about travelling with two little ones... but I know once we get down to Florida we will have a great time. The day we leave is going to be a looooooooooooooooooong day. Our flight is at 10am out of JFK, which means we need to leave our house around 6am. Which means I gotta get the kids up around 4:30-5am. Which means I've gotta get outta bed, showered and dressed by 4. YAWN, I'm tired just thinking about it. But on the plus side, we will be arriving in Florida around 1:30pm, plenty of time to unpack, unwind, play a little and get some rest. I've finished al the shopping for our trip this past weekend. The girls have enough summer clothes and bathing suits for the week. I can't wait for warm weather. My grandfather said its supposed to be in the 80s... I hope he's right! Fun and sun, here we come!

Jules is in the process of cutting a top tooth. This would explain the sleepless nights, the fussiness, the lack of naps. I just hope and pray they cut through before we leave for vacation.

weekend

Ahhh its Monday. Back at work and back in the grind. We had a pretty decent weekend, I got a lot done and spent way too much money. Saturday Lily and I went to her gym class. After class she went to grandma's house for an overnight. I spent the day with Jules and we cleaned house, went through some clothes for vacation and when Paul got home we went shopping. I think I've got everything we need for our upcoming vacation. We even managed to go out to dinner together. Jules was on her best behavior and we had a nice time. We were walking in Target after our dinner and much to our surprise, Lily comes running around the aisle. My sister-in-law was right behind her. I guess they went out for some shopping as well. Lily managed to get Grandpa to buy her some Mickey Mouse toy. All she has to do is smile at him, and the credit card comes out. haha. She had a great time with them, but I was happy to have her home on Sunday.
And we have two big pieces of news!

Lily will now POOP in the potty. YAY!!!!! I'm so happy. She had been doing it on and off for Paul, but now she will poop in the potty for me and for anyone else who wants to see. Actually when I put her on the potty she tells me to leave, well she actually tells me to go watch Julia, and then I hear her clapping and yelling "Lily pooped in the potty" She gets so happy haha, she's a nut.

Julia said her first word on Friday! She says "dada" now. It was pretty funny last night, Jules was playing with Lily and started saying "dadadadadada" and Lily looked at her funny and said "dada work". Their first conversation.

getting my hair cut today

Today is the day I'm getting my hair chopped off. I still have no idea what I'm going to get done... all I know is that I want at least 3 inches off the bottom layer. Its getting way too long and heavy. I'm going to a new stylist today (my old one had the nerve to quit when she had her baby), I'm hoping this new stylist doesn't do too much damage.

We had another early morning with Julia today. Well I shouldn't say "we", I should say "Paul did". I was leaving around 5ish, and heard Jules waking up. Luckily I had enough time to pump a bottle this morning before I left, so I had assumed that she'd just take the bottle and go back to sleep... unfortunately Paul wasn't so lucky and the two of them started their day before 6am. Its days like this I wish I was a Stay at home mom.... I know how hard Paul works and I know how busy he is with school work. I just wish I could let him sleep more. When I don't have to be up early in the mornings I always let him sleep (I do, even though Lily would rather go in and wake him up). I just feel a lot of "mommy guilt" when I'm at work in the mornings and Paul is so tired. But I suppose there is no use dwelling on it, seeing as how we don't really have an option when it comes to me staying home right now.

My big news today concerns poop. Not mine, but Lily's! She is FINALLY pooping in the potty. She will ONLY do it with Daddy. She is so proud of herself when she poops in the potty and talks about it all day. I just wish I could get her to do it with me... oh well, I'm sure she will soon. I'm just happy that she is pretty much outta diapers (other than naptime and bedtime). At Christmas, my inlaws had given Lily the LeapPad learning system... its educational video games. I'm pretty much against video games for children Lily's age, but figured since it was educational, then as long as it was used in moderation then it really can't cause any harm. We told Lily that once she pooped in the potty she could play this new game. Well when she pooped, we decided to open up the game and set it up... apparently its "parent proof" because neither Paul nor I can figure out how to set it up. Well we had promised Lily a game, so Paul and Lily now play Tiger Woods Golf on the XBox 360 whenever she poops in the potty.... and let me tell you, I've never seen a child so happy to "press the green button".