day #3 of hell

Julia won't nurse. She refuses. Everytime she is hungry and I try to nurse her she screams. She hasn't latched on since 2:30am on Saturday. I know some people who read this will say something along the lines of "well give her a bottle"... and yeah that might be the quick fix, but thats not an option for me. The only people who can begin to comprehend how I feel are those that are nursing or who have nursed their babies. Imagine for a minute that one day your baby just decided not to nurse, not to do something they have been doing for nearly 8 months every 2-4 hours.... imagine that. I'm beyond devastated. I'm beyond heartbroken. I feel inadequate, I feel like an utter and complete failure. I haven't stopped crying since Saturday. I feel like this sacred bond was just shattered... and I completely blame myself. On Thursday Jules bit me while nursing, and I yelled out in pain. She nursed fine the rest of the day and fine the next, but then two days later she decided to stop.... and I completely 100% blame myself for this.
I've been syringe feeding her a couple of ounces here and there, she has cut down on her intake of solids. She will drink breastmilk out of a bottle, but I'm so not ok with doing bottles. I can't pump enough to exclusively feed her that way. I barely pump 2-3 ounces at a time... she eats 6 ounces at a time. Now let me state, I am in NO WAY AGAINST formula. Lily was formula fed from about 6-7 months on. I"m not against it, but I don't want to turn to formula. I want to do everything I can, exhaust every option before I turn to it.
I'm truly dreading our vacation tomorrow. I don't want to bring my pump, I don't want to bring bottles... but it looks like I have no choice.
I"m going to bring Julia to the doctor today. I want to find out whats wrong. Maybe an ear infection? I don't know. I'm completely clueless. I'm exhausted. I'm depressed.

I keep wishing I had cherished our time together more. Don't get me wrong, I definitely cherished it. But I just wish I had held her a little longer, let her comfort herself a little bit more, I wish, I wish, I wish...

I was trying so hard to make it work. I tried so hard to get this "mom" thing right this time. Ok, now that I'm hysterically crying at work, I should go.

But for all you breastfeeding moms out there who read this... nurse your baby a little longer today, cherish it a bit more... hold them close and realize how incredibly special it is. Because before you know it, the bond could break.