I woke up from surgery around 11:30 or so... Paul and my mother in law were there... I don't remember a lot.... mostly the doctor saying that he saved my tubes and ovaries, that the pregnancy was in my ovary not my tubes, he removed a cyst as well that was the size of your fist and that I had lost a lot of blood..... I also remember the nurse telling me to press the green button for pain relief. Morphine, lovely morphine. I don't remember much else from the night... random blood draws, iv changes, etc... normal overnight hospital stuff. My family came in the morning to visit, I was happy they brought my girls as well. Boy did I miss them. Those girls are my world, and I was so happy to see them. Would you believe this was the longest I had ever been away from them? Kate was so happy to see me, she curled up in bed with me for nearly an hour and nursed nonstop.... even fell asleep nursing. What a sweet moment to have with her. I'll treasure that forever.
The doctor came when my family was there... he talked about how smoothly the surgery went, how I had lost over a liter of blood, how he was able to save all "my parts", and how I must have an incredibly high pain tolerance because he doesn't know how I wasn't keeled over in pain due to the circumstances.
Over the next two days I dealt with being at the hospital and trying to come to terms with what had happened. I had family and friends visiting and calling. It was wonderful to have the support. I was discharged on Monday afternoon and came home to my family, and my mother who was staying with us for the week to help.
This past week has had its up and downs. Definitely more downs, but I'm trying to stay positive. One of the best highlights of the week was on Thursday after I got my staples out... I was finally feeling strong enough to take on the stairs... I nursed Kate to sleep in her rocking chair and put her to sleep for the night. Prior to this, my mom or mother in law brought her to me after her bath for me to nurse downstairs... and although it worked, I truly treasure those sweet precious moments at night when its just me and her. We can relax and wind down together. Thursday night was just perfect. Of course I was in tears, mourning the loss of our baby, thankful for my health and ability to be with Kate at that moment.
I've learned a lot about my family this week. I'm learning to soak them in, to appreciate what we have, to love unconditionally and without hesitation. I knew all these things before, but with the events of the past week, I feel that I'm relearning them all again, and that I have new perspective on it all.
Every night I've cried myself to sleep in my husband's arms. Although he doesn't understand or comprehend the loss of our baby the same as I do, it is comforting for me to be with him. We definitely aren't on the same page when it comes to the loss... he sees it as us being very lucky that I'm here and alive... and of course I see it as we are now missing a family member, our baby, our child. We'll probably never see eye to eye on it, and honestly I don't care about that... I'm just happy that I have my family, but mournful for the child that will never be with us. But our child is with God, and I can think of no better place for our baby.
Friday, May 22, 2009
gonna try blogging
I think I'm going to try blogging again.
Paul and I lost our baby 6 days ago. May 16, 2009. I had no clue I was pregnant, we weren't trying to get pregnant, and then I woke up that morning.... everything changed. I woke up that Saturday in pain, like stomach cramping pain. My first thought was maybe a UTI, or a bladder infection, or just indigestion... something simple. I never woke up thinking that this would be the morning that my faith would be tested, that my life would stand still in time. By 9am I packed the girls up and headed to urgent care, Paul met me there. I couldn't provide a urine sample for the doctor there, I waited and waited, drank 3 bottles of water... but still could not go. The doctor examined me, he said it could be my appendix, an ectopic pregnancy, or just a bladder infection. I gave no thought to the idea of an ectopic pregnancy, that just wasn't even in my radar. We decided to go home and head to the ER. I had to drive home, which I would never advise doing. We called my Mother in law to come over and take care of the girls.... while waiting for her to arrive, I all of a sudden became in more pain. I talked to my dear friend Patty for a moment before I thought I was going to be sick. From the bathroom, I told Paul to call 911 and get me an ambulance.
I had never been on an ambulance before, but I was so thankful for the kindness of the EMTs that responded. We quickly got to the hospital and I was admitted. Blood was taken, IVs were hooked up, and soon a catheter was in place. The nurse seemed so sure that once I had the catheter that I would find relief, since my bladder was empty... and everyone thought it was a bladder infection at this point. The hospital sent my urine off to be tested.... a few hours later the doctor came in with some pain medication and terrible news... News that was supposed to be happy and joyous.... I was pregnant.
I started sobbing, I knew it wasn't good. How could this much pain be good? Paul and I knew something was wrong and started praying for strength. We called our parents to let them know and soon my parents were driving down. We headed up to radiology to have an ultrasound done. Once the sonographer put the wand on my belly I saw my empty uterus (except for the foley from the catheter) I knew there was no baby there.... it had to have been ectopic. Of course the sonographer wasn't able to tell us anything, but I've had enough ultrasounds to know what I was looking at. She scanned my tubes and my ovaries. My tubes looked the way I think they were supposed to look... Paul and I tried to be optimistic... we talked about having another baby, even though this baby wasn't planned, it was loved no less than any of our other children. All children are such a blessing, that we immediately fell in love with our baby from the moment we knew we were pregnant.... we started forming dreams about our child, imagining our family with an infant again, we started hoping for the best for our child.
After the ultrasound the doctor had to review all the labs and scans.... the nurse came in with another dose of morphine for me and said that it looked like surgery... I will never forget his face and tone when he said that. The doctor came in right behind him saying the pregnancy was ectopic, I was bleeding internally and needed surgery. I started balling, I lost all control... who was this person telling me that my hope was gone, that I had lost my baby...
I don't have an OB/GYN, I have midwives, which obviously couldn't do my surgery... so the on call OB/GYN was called. I was relieved to know it was someone I had heard good things about. Paul soon went home to put the girls to bed. We were nervous about how Kate would do. She nurses to sleep every night and doesn't use bottles, so we weren't sure how she would do. Luckily she did great and went right to sleep.
The doctor was in soon, he talked about the surgery and his different options for going in, he could either do a bikini cut, similar to a c-section cut, where the recovery would be more difficult, but he'd have a better chance of saving ovaries and tubes... or he could go in laporscopicly where the incision would be smaller, the recovery quicker but less of a chance of saving my tubes and ovary. I chose the bikini cut, I wanted the best chance for us possibly having a baby again in the future. The doctor left to go look at labs and stuff.... he came back and said that he'd have to go in and do a bikini cut because of the level of internal bleeding I was having. I started noticing sharp pains in my shoulders and neck... like they were paralyzed... my mother in law assured me that was normal of internal bleeding... but still it was scary.
Pretty soon, around 9:30pm I was prepped for surgery.. I met the OR staff and was wheeled into the OR. I was given a mask of oxygen to put on, and that was the last thing I remember.
I'll finish with everything in my next post..
Paul and I lost our baby 6 days ago. May 16, 2009. I had no clue I was pregnant, we weren't trying to get pregnant, and then I woke up that morning.... everything changed. I woke up that Saturday in pain, like stomach cramping pain. My first thought was maybe a UTI, or a bladder infection, or just indigestion... something simple. I never woke up thinking that this would be the morning that my faith would be tested, that my life would stand still in time. By 9am I packed the girls up and headed to urgent care, Paul met me there. I couldn't provide a urine sample for the doctor there, I waited and waited, drank 3 bottles of water... but still could not go. The doctor examined me, he said it could be my appendix, an ectopic pregnancy, or just a bladder infection. I gave no thought to the idea of an ectopic pregnancy, that just wasn't even in my radar. We decided to go home and head to the ER. I had to drive home, which I would never advise doing. We called my Mother in law to come over and take care of the girls.... while waiting for her to arrive, I all of a sudden became in more pain. I talked to my dear friend Patty for a moment before I thought I was going to be sick. From the bathroom, I told Paul to call 911 and get me an ambulance.
I had never been on an ambulance before, but I was so thankful for the kindness of the EMTs that responded. We quickly got to the hospital and I was admitted. Blood was taken, IVs were hooked up, and soon a catheter was in place. The nurse seemed so sure that once I had the catheter that I would find relief, since my bladder was empty... and everyone thought it was a bladder infection at this point. The hospital sent my urine off to be tested.... a few hours later the doctor came in with some pain medication and terrible news... News that was supposed to be happy and joyous.... I was pregnant.
I started sobbing, I knew it wasn't good. How could this much pain be good? Paul and I knew something was wrong and started praying for strength. We called our parents to let them know and soon my parents were driving down. We headed up to radiology to have an ultrasound done. Once the sonographer put the wand on my belly I saw my empty uterus (except for the foley from the catheter) I knew there was no baby there.... it had to have been ectopic. Of course the sonographer wasn't able to tell us anything, but I've had enough ultrasounds to know what I was looking at. She scanned my tubes and my ovaries. My tubes looked the way I think they were supposed to look... Paul and I tried to be optimistic... we talked about having another baby, even though this baby wasn't planned, it was loved no less than any of our other children. All children are such a blessing, that we immediately fell in love with our baby from the moment we knew we were pregnant.... we started forming dreams about our child, imagining our family with an infant again, we started hoping for the best for our child.
After the ultrasound the doctor had to review all the labs and scans.... the nurse came in with another dose of morphine for me and said that it looked like surgery... I will never forget his face and tone when he said that. The doctor came in right behind him saying the pregnancy was ectopic, I was bleeding internally and needed surgery. I started balling, I lost all control... who was this person telling me that my hope was gone, that I had lost my baby...
I don't have an OB/GYN, I have midwives, which obviously couldn't do my surgery... so the on call OB/GYN was called. I was relieved to know it was someone I had heard good things about. Paul soon went home to put the girls to bed. We were nervous about how Kate would do. She nurses to sleep every night and doesn't use bottles, so we weren't sure how she would do. Luckily she did great and went right to sleep.
The doctor was in soon, he talked about the surgery and his different options for going in, he could either do a bikini cut, similar to a c-section cut, where the recovery would be more difficult, but he'd have a better chance of saving ovaries and tubes... or he could go in laporscopicly where the incision would be smaller, the recovery quicker but less of a chance of saving my tubes and ovary. I chose the bikini cut, I wanted the best chance for us possibly having a baby again in the future. The doctor left to go look at labs and stuff.... he came back and said that he'd have to go in and do a bikini cut because of the level of internal bleeding I was having. I started noticing sharp pains in my shoulders and neck... like they were paralyzed... my mother in law assured me that was normal of internal bleeding... but still it was scary.
Pretty soon, around 9:30pm I was prepped for surgery.. I met the OR staff and was wheeled into the OR. I was given a mask of oxygen to put on, and that was the last thing I remember.
I'll finish with everything in my next post..
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