I didn't think it could get any worse... but it just did. I don't even know what to say anymore.

grieving

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. The 5 stages of Grief.
I think I'm still in the Anger stage. I'm so angry and I hate feeling this way. Its so not me.

Two wonderful friends I spoke to yesterday equated the way I was feeling as grief. Its true. I'm grieving the loss of so much. Its nothing tangible, but ideas that were lost, hopes and dreams shattered.

I did sleep well last night, I guess that sleeping pill really did me in. I needed a good night of rest. I dragged my butt to work this morning, which was more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I would have much rather stayed in bed all day if I could have. But life goes on, I have to keep moving forward.

This situation will not get the best of me.

uggg

Its amazing how quickly everything you know and trust can be thrown out the window. Its amazing how life can throw you a huge curve ball when you least expect it. I guess the most important thing in a situation like the one I find myself in, is how you deal with it. That is the part that I am struggling with right now. How to deal... I honestly don't know. Part of me is so beyond hurt, angry, and left feeling empty. The other part of me just wants to forgive, love and move forward. So which is it... listen to my heart or my head? I just never knew how everything could be destroyed in an instant. Actually thats a lie, not everything is destroyed, because if I know anything, I know that things will get better and stronger in the end. Bonds like this aren't broken so easily, despite what other people may think.

What I really need right now is a friend.

Happy Monday

I hate mondays. YAWN. I really do. I think I'd like them a lot more if I didn't have to work.

Saturday Lily had her "show-week" at gym class. I took a ton of pictures I wanted to show off! Isn't she the cutest little gymnast. I think this is the first time I've uploaded pictures to my blog, so I'm sorry if they don't look right.

And of course some updated ones of the family and Julia too!

yuckies

The yuckies are visiting my house today. Yesterday my ear started hurting and by the time I woke up this morning, I can't swallow, my ear is in soooo much pain and my glands are swollen and tender to the touch. This friggen stinks.... I am in so much pain, I honestly think childbirth was easier. My doctor's office doesn't open for another hour, so I'm at work counting down the minutes until I can call. I hope they can see me really soon.
Yesterday I had Lily's preschool meeting, and she was found to be eligible for the preschool services. When they labelled her as "preschooler with a disability" that was kinda like a knife in the heart, but I know that the label won't mean anything past preschool and that she is going to be receiving the help that she needs right now... and that is all that matters. Now we are just awaiting the approval for the OT eval.
We had some friends over for dinner last night, and the girls got to play with two other little girls. One of the girls has SID (sensory integration disorder), which is something that we think Lily has symptoms of. When we had the psych eval for Lily, they mentioned it was possibily sensory issues, so thats why we are doing the OT eval. Anyways, it was interesting to talk to this little girl's mother about her struggles and such. Her and I had a lot in common, and some things not really in common. She kept pressing me on why we travel so far for our pediatrician and what made her so great... finally I just told her we were selectively vaccinating (which is a lie, because they aren't getting any, but I didn't want to scare her so much), she didn't have much to say after that. Oops.

wish us luck today

Today I have an appointment with the school district where they will decide if Lily is accepted into the preschool for the fall. Her speech and behavior therapist have led me to believe that there will be no problem with her getting in, so I hope they are right.

Yesterday I took the girls to Jen's house for a playdate. The weather wasn't so nice, but we seemed to have a good time. Lily loved being there. I hope Sierra teaches Jules to walk soon. Today the girls have another playdate (aren't they social butterflies?). Our friends will be coming over this afternoon with their two girls. Hopefully tomorrow will be a quieter day.

Jules didn't sleep well last night, and Lily didn't really either. Lily has had a couple night terrors this week. I hate them so much... she is always asleep during them, but crying, shaking, tossing and turning. Luckily the one last night didn't last so long. I find if I squeeze her and apply pressure to her back that she calms down faster. Jules was up for a bottle around 1am, and I was so tired I didn't pump... so I'm hoping that doesn't screw me and I fall behind with the bottles.

6 weeks

There could be some major changes happening in our house in the next six weeks. I can't really get into specifics, but everything could change. Anyone who knows me knows how easily scared I get with big changes. I don't have any control over what could be happening, and it would take a sacrifice on my part (but at the same time, I think I'd end up gaining a lot more than I... but in the end "I think" our lives would be so much better. At least thats what I hope.

We had a nice weekend. On Saturday, Paul and I got to go out to dinner and see a movie. It was really nice to get out together, we had a lot to talk about seeing as how these upcoming changes could happen really fast. We saw Oceans 13. It was a pretty good movie, hell any movie that has George Clooney, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt in it is good for me! My inlaws watched the girls and put them to bed. I felt really guilty for leaving because Julia had a tough time going to sleep. It always makes me feel bad, to know that she is crying when I'm not home. I guess its just a part of "mommy guilt".

We have a busy week this week. On Wednesday I'm taking the girls to Jen's house for a playdate in the afternoon. Thursday the girls have another playdate with some other friends. I also have a meeting with the school district for Lily's preschool entrance for this fall. I've been led to believe that we won't have any problems with her admission, so I'm hoping thats the case. I am getting a little nervous regarding the vaccination issue. Our pediatrician wrote on her medical forms that we are deffering future vaccinations. Luckily our pediatrician knows of a lawyer that specializes in these types of things, so if I get any trouble, I'll know who to call. I'm sure it won't be cheap but it will definitely be worth it. I'm just a little worried that they might bring it up at the meeting this week, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. New York state has very tough vaccine exemption laws, and I believe the only exemption I can claim is religious, but the way that the law is worded I have to do it very carefully. I'm sure I'll spend most of today and tomorrow researching the policies a bit more. I'd just hate for her preschool admission to be held up on her vaccine history.

Julia is so close to walking it isn't even funny. She loves it when I hold her hands and she can walk. We got to the point that she can walk when I just hold one hand. I can't believe she is going to be one soon. I think I'll probably cry when she turns one. We are planning on taking the girls to the Bronx Zoo on her birthday. Jen, Jer and their kids will be going as well. I think we will have a great time together! It will be Jen's birthday as well, so I'll have to think of something to embarrass her with, LOL!

Alright, I'm back to work... I'll have to write more later.

I can't believe its June already....

Welcome to the world little Hannah! A friend that I work with had her baby girl yesterday. She had a pretty easy labor and delivery, and mom and baby are doing great! I can't wait to see her, maybe Stacy and I will stop by tomorrow during lunch.

Now that June is upon us, I've got to step up my game plan for planning the girls' birthday parties. I'm planning on doing a joint party and the Little Gym. Lily has been taking gym classes there for about 6 months and LOVES it. I jumped on the chance to have their party there. I don't have to do much at all. In fact, I just give them my invite list and addresses and they take care of it. Even the decorating and the clean up. Talk about less stress. I figure we'll order a couple of pizzas, have some cake, and the kids will have a blast.

I have a meeting for Lily with the school district next week. We'll be going over all the EI stuff and the psych eval she had done yesterday. Our service coordinator told me last night that she will definitely qualify for the preschool, so I shouldn't be worried. We had a lengthy discussion about being "labeled". Of course I have a fear of Lily being "labeled" as qualifying for "special education", I mean what mother wouldn't fear that? I have to remember that I can't let my fear hold my children back. I mean, Lily will definitely receive so much help from entering this preschool, how can I hold her back? I think I would be doing a disservice to her if I didn't allow her to start this fall. Originally my plan was to start pre-school at the age of 4, so this is a little sooner than I had first planned on, but if she is going to receive the help she needs, I'd rather do it now. Its my goal that her speech and everything else is all caught up by the time she enters kindergarten, but if not, at least she'll be receiving on going help.

On the Julia front....

Our early riser needs some help. LOL. I tried playing with bedtimes last week, normally shes in bed by 7:15ish, so last week I had her going to bed a good hour later, but still she was waking up at the same time, at 6am. Its not so bad if it was me getting up with her, I don't mind the early mornings so much... but Paul on the other hand. Between work and school he is lucky to go to bed at midnight (most nights its later), so 6am isn't really giving him enough sleep. I don't know what else I can do, short of quitting my job.