part two of the story

I woke up from surgery around 11:30 or so... Paul and my mother in law were there... I don't remember a lot.... mostly the doctor saying that he saved my tubes and ovaries, that the pregnancy was in my ovary not my tubes, he removed a cyst as well that was the size of your fist and that I had lost a lot of blood..... I also remember the nurse telling me to press the green button for pain relief. Morphine, lovely morphine. I don't remember much else from the night... random blood draws, iv changes, etc... normal overnight hospital stuff. My family came in the morning to visit, I was happy they brought my girls as well. Boy did I miss them. Those girls are my world, and I was so happy to see them. Would you believe this was the longest I had ever been away from them? Kate was so happy to see me, she curled up in bed with me for nearly an hour and nursed nonstop.... even fell asleep nursing. What a sweet moment to have with her. I'll treasure that forever.
The doctor came when my family was there... he talked about how smoothly the surgery went, how I had lost over a liter of blood, how he was able to save all "my parts", and how I must have an incredibly high pain tolerance because he doesn't know how I wasn't keeled over in pain due to the circumstances.
Over the next two days I dealt with being at the hospital and trying to come to terms with what had happened. I had family and friends visiting and calling. It was wonderful to have the support. I was discharged on Monday afternoon and came home to my family, and my mother who was staying with us for the week to help.

This past week has had its up and downs. Definitely more downs, but I'm trying to stay positive. One of the best highlights of the week was on Thursday after I got my staples out... I was finally feeling strong enough to take on the stairs... I nursed Kate to sleep in her rocking chair and put her to sleep for the night. Prior to this, my mom or mother in law brought her to me after her bath for me to nurse downstairs... and although it worked, I truly treasure those sweet precious moments at night when its just me and her. We can relax and wind down together. Thursday night was just perfect. Of course I was in tears, mourning the loss of our baby, thankful for my health and ability to be with Kate at that moment.

I've learned a lot about my family this week. I'm learning to soak them in, to appreciate what we have, to love unconditionally and without hesitation. I knew all these things before, but with the events of the past week, I feel that I'm relearning them all again, and that I have new perspective on it all.

Every night I've cried myself to sleep in my husband's arms. Although he doesn't understand or comprehend the loss of our baby the same as I do, it is comforting for me to be with him. We definitely aren't on the same page when it comes to the loss... he sees it as us being very lucky that I'm here and alive... and of course I see it as we are now missing a family member, our baby, our child. We'll probably never see eye to eye on it, and honestly I don't care about that... I'm just happy that I have my family, but mournful for the child that will never be with us. But our child is with God, and I can think of no better place for our baby.